All In My Memory
by BrokenKeyBlade
Summary: Riku remembers Sora and can't help but feel guilty. He doesn't deserve to live anymore, does he? Not after what he's done. Riku/Sora


**Hey, I'm back. My friend Rainey gave me the idea for this after I asked him what I should write. He's not a believer of Kingdom Hearts . He wanted me to do Sora/Goofy. Nope, sorry, but that's disturbing!**

**Anyway, this took me awhile to upload because my laptop was being stupid. Finally, it worked, but sadly, no spell check... And, I'm not the best speller/word checker/editor person, so there will be some mistakes, but when I get on the main computer, I'll fix it because SPELLCHECKWORKSONTHATONE! Bleh...**

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><p>Sora and Riku has always been close. They grew up together, did everything together, got together, then later in life moved in together. They were going to the same college, and spent most of their time side by side, laughing and having fun.<p>

Sora was probably the nicest person you could ever meet. He made friends easily and people couldn't help but love him. Riku, on the other hand, was an acquired taste. Quite, brooding, but a nice guy to his closer friends. They were almost complete opposites, yet co-existed in harmony.

Things were looking up for the both of them. Though, they had their problems. Fights that would end up with one of them sleeping at a friend's, screaming, hurt feelings, but they always ended up back together, acting as if nothing bad happened in the first place.

Riku would never forget the look on Sora's face when he first yelled at him. They had been dating for almost ten months. It was Sophomore year. Riku couldn't remember what they were fighting over, but he knew that it wasn't anything too important. Nothing that he should yell over. But, he snapped.

Sora just looked at him in a heart broken way, his eyes reflecting hurt and... fear. Riku couldn't even remember feeling as bad as he did when he saw the look on his face. He tried to reach out to Sora, to tell him he was sorry, but the other teen wouldn't allow it. They didn't talk for days, until finally Riku went over to Sora's house. After a short talk, they acted as if nothing happened and went on with their lives. Neither of them knew that their relationship was going to come to a life shattering end because of their problems that they couldn't sort out.  
>XxXx<p>

It was a very beautiful, sunny day when they buried Sora's dead body into the ground. Riku was still having a difficult time getting over the shock. It was one thing to see your lover dead, but another to see them die right in front of your eyes. Especially if it was your fault they're dead.

"It was your fault! You never listen to me!" Sora screamed at him. He was currently packing his bags with the few belongings he had collected over the years.

"This isn't about you!" Riku fired back. He was storming all over the apartment, eyes blazing.

"Of course it's not! It never is! It's always about you!" Riku threw his hands up and rolled his eyes. He was being so childish!

"Mr. Usagi," Riku looked up at the man speaking to him. It was the pastor. " I'm sorry to bother you, but everyone's left." Sure enough, he was the last one there.

Riku threw two red roses into the hole in the ground that Sora was currently resting in. He always gave him roses after they had a fight, as an apology. This time... he never got the chance to.

"I'm sorry... Sora." His voice broke when he said his name. He felt impossibly cold, despite the sun shining down on him. His heart felt like it was being suffocated and smothered. His eyes burned, and his throat felt constricted, and he found it very hard to breathe. It took him a few moments to recover from this wave of pain, and even when he found the strength to go back to his car, he was still choking on his tears.

Is this what it feel like to die of a heart ache?

XxXx

"I swear, I'm leaving for good this time!" The brunette threatened. He had his personal items packed hastily, and was half way out the door.

"Sure you are, that's what you always say, and look where we are now!" Sora gave him his don't-go-there-with-me look and marched out the door. Riku waited a few moments to follow after him, just like clock-work.

"Riku, are you okay?" Axel looked at him from across the table, concern shown on his face.

"Yeah, I'm fine." Riku continued to stare blankly at the menu, but this time stayed away from the memories that haunted him. He didn't need Axel worrying about him.

The red-head raised his eye brow as if to say "I'm not buying it", but let it go. Riku was going through a tough time, and he really didn't want to open anymore wounds.

They sat in awkward silence until the waitress came to take their order. Even when they got their food, no one ate anything.

"What are you going to do?" Axel asked suddenly.

"About what?" It hurt the red-head to hear how dead his friend sounded. How lost his eyes looked.

"About... everything that's happened." Riku shot him a glare. The silverette didn't want to discuss that. he didn't want to talk about anything. Never would he admit it, but all he wanted to do now was go back to his apartment, lay on Sora's side of the bed, and just soak up the scent that he missed so much. Pretend that his nose was buried in his lover's hair. He didn't want to deal with reality.

"Nothing right now." Riku's cold eyes were averted, but Axel could still see that they were wet.

"Okay, I won't push." He leaned back in his seat, not knowing what to do next.

"I'm going back to my apartment." He stood up, his food untouched, and walked out of the restaurant, leaving Axel more worried than ever.

XxXx

Riku knew that digging threw old photos was a bad idea. He knew that he'd end up crying. But did it stop him? No.

Memory lane was a nice place to walk. He was able to fall easily back into days that were once happy. Sora and his first date, their first Christmas together. Pictures Kairi had taken of them embracing, kissing. Some of all of them at the beach. So many good times... Now, that's all that Sora was. A picture, a memory. He was no longer there to touch, to hold. Riku wouldn't wake up to see him laying next to him ever again. Sora stayed in the past, leaving Riku alone to face the future.

The silverette wiped his cheeks and sniffled. He was so pathetic. But... What could he do? Sora was gone forever. Never coming back. Dead. And it was his fault.

"Sora, don't be stupid. Come back in." Riku tried to reason. Sora wouldn't have any of it.

"I'm not being stupid! Just, leave me alone, Riku." Sora stepped on to the side walk, waiting for a cab to come. Riku reached out for him, but he jerked away, not bothering to look at the other man.

"You're so frustrating sometimes!" Riku sneered and started trudging back into the building. He almost missed what Sora had mumbled; "You're so oblivious all the time."

"What?" Riku spun around. Sora was staring at him, tears streaming down his face.

"You never notice how I feel. You always ignore me." His voice was small and insecure. But Riku was too busy fuming to notice the waver in his voice, the timidness.

"'Always ignore you'? Bullshit!" Riku took several steps forward, thus making Sora take a few back.

"You never cared!"

Riku stood up abruptly, photos flying everywhere. Sora's face looking up at him. Looking nothing like he did before he died. He looked happy in these picture. Moments of happiness caught in a sheet of paper, memories trapped, trying desperately to claw its way out, but never moving.

He wiped his eyes again, and went into the bathroom. He avoided looking at the mirror, because he knew he looked like shit, and didn't want to see it. He turned the shower on full blast and carefully stripped down. The water was scalding, but he didn't care. It made him feel alive. He could feel the heat, the sting of his skin, the steam running down his throat. It was reassuring that he could feel natural things even thought he felt dead.

The sound of knocking wrung throughout the apartment. Riku ignored it but several minutes later, someone was knocking again, more urgent. He sighed and stopped the shower reluctantly. He didn't bother with looking presentable, so he just wrapped the towel around himself and stepped out. So what if someone saw him like this? Nothing really mattered anymore.

Now he could hear voices. There was more than one person, and now Riku regretted not getting dressed.

"Oh, hi," Kairi said as he opened the door. Riku nodded at her. Axel, Roxas, Demyx and some other person that Riku didn't know were standing behind her. They all looked worried. All except mystery person, whose face was half covered with his bangs. He looked bored and uninterested. Well, fuck you too, Riku thought to himself.

"Do you want to come in?" His voice was dull.

"Um, yeah, if that's alright." She answered carefully, as if something she said would make him snap.

"You can take a seat in the living room. I'll just be a few minutes." He stepped aside and let them file in. Axel spotted the pictures that littered the floor and shook his head sadly. Kairi picked one up and sighed, remembering just like Riku had.

He quickly made his way to the bedroom to get dressed. Without really caring, he threw on the closest thing he could reach. It wasn't until after he put them on that he noticed they were too small and smelled exactly like Sora. His throat constricted and his eyes burned. And there way that squeezing in his chest again. But he couldn't start crying again. Not while his friends were just in the other room.

A few minutes later he walked into the living room, wearing an old pair of jeans and a plain T-shirt. Demyx and the mystery boy were holding hands, and Riku thought his name was Zexion or something because he had remembered Sora saying something about Dem finally getting himself a boyfriend.

He stopped his thoughts there. Sora. Only a week ago he had told him this. He remembered his voice clearly; so sweet and innocent and pure and soft and perfect. And now, never to be heard again. In a memory it would forever stay. Because Sora's fucking dead. And for what? A stupid fight?

"Oh course I cared! I always have!" He shouted back. People were staring, but he could care less. He took a step towards Sora, and the younger man took a step back.

"I never felt like you did." He sounded like a wounded puppy, and Riku's heart broke. He was doing it again.

"Sora..." He tried to grab him, but the other male wouldn't let him touch him. He stepped back a few paces, the tears falling once again. Riku heart quickened. Sora was in the street now.

"Don't touch me!"

"Sora, get out of the-"

Riku couldn't hold it in any longer. His pain was ripping through him, slashing his insides apart and tearing him away from the inside out. Nothing mattered anymore, not that Sora was gone. And the last thing he said to him was 'don't touch me'. Not 'I love you' or words that meant something special. 'Don't touch me'. And it was his fault. If they hadn't been fighting over something stupid Riku had said then Sora would be with him. If only he could take back everything he had did on that day. If only, if only.

"Excuse me," He mumbled to his friends and stepped out onto the balcony. That room, it was suffocating him. Sora was everywhere, he couldn't escape him no matter how much he tried. Everywhere he had gone, he had gone with Sora. There was no safe place, no refuge, no place to clear his mind. Sora's ghost was following him everywhere and wouldn't let him go.

Now that Riku thought about it, he would never get over Sora. He loved him. He really loved him, and there was no one sweeter, or kinder, or as perfect as he was. Sora was everything to him. Everything and more. Riku couldn't imagine a life without him. Sora made him feel happy. Made him feel real and alive and so wonderful and nothing else mattered as long as Sora loved him.

Riku peered out over the ledge. Down below him was the street where his life had shattered on. That's simply little street with all those simply little cars and those simply little people living their simply little lives. Why was the world still moving? How come everyone kept living on? Did they ever think that they could die today? That their life that they held so dear could break, just like Sora did when that car hit him? Such a sad thought to bare, such a terrible thing to witness.

"Did you know that I love you," Riku voice didn't make it past his lips, but the words were still there, and he hoped where ever Sora was, that the could still hear them. "Did you know that you were the most important person to me? I could kill myself a thousand times for how much I regret what I did to you. Maybe that would be better... If I was dead." He couldn't cry. Nothing would come out.

Riku glanced behind him. Demyx and his boyfriend, Zexion, were talking between themselves and Zexion hugged the other boy, who was shaking. Axel was looking out the window, waiting for Riku to come back in with his mouth set in a tight line. Kairi was sitting on the floor, leafing through the picture, tears streaming down her face. Riku felt a pang of gilt. His friends were going through a though time as well, and he had been so selfish.

The ground was several stories down, with unforgiving concrete and eyes everywhere. When he squinted his eyes, he could still see blood painting everything red. Sora's blood. And soon, it would be painted with his.

His toes were dangling over the edge of the concrete rail. His breathing was ragged, but he wasn't afraid. He was feeling better than ever, actually. It was thrilling, being so close to death. Being so close to seeing the person you love the most.

Riku took one more look into his living room. He saw him and Sora sitting on the couch, he saw them wrestling on the floor, laughing like idiots, and he saw them smiling at each other, love shining like the sun. He also saw Kairi look up at him, her eyes widening. Axel noticed her, and looked in the direction she was staring at. He stood up and yelled something and tried to get across the room fast enough to stop him. His eyes told Riku everything he was thinking, "How could you do this to us? How could you leave us like this?"

He tried his best to give him an apologetic look.

"I'm sorry."

And he fell as screams erupted behind him, below him. He fell, and everything was okay, because he would be with Sora soon.

One mistake can change your life. It doesn't take much, not much at all. One wrong word, a wrong step. Being at the wrong place at the wrong time. Those things can take everything away from you. People you love, a life that was going somewhere. Your hope and happiness can be broken, like a bone snapping in half. Everything important to you, disappear in a puff of smoke. Gone, and you never see it again. All you have is sand running through your finger tips. And that's all it is now; something slipping away. Something that's no longer yours.

And you can never get it back.


End file.
